August 24, 2014

SUNDAY LOVE. #33. GETTING MY FEET BACK ON THE GROUND.


When your thrown into chaos with a thousand things hanging on your shoulders, how do you cope? As an anxiety suffering for well over a year now, if not technically my whole life, I think things happen for a reason. When I think back to this time last year, I was a mess. It was the height of the summer and at work that means literally mayhem. I am a key member at work and when I am not on form, the team suffer and so does the business. Last year, I had so many anxiety attacks at work that I would find myself hiding away in the office crying, alone. I didn't realise then but now I know that things got to much for me. A whirlwind, a breakdown, a meltdown, whatever you want to call it, either way I wasn't myself. Sometimes it is so easy to assume people are OK, as from the outside they are their bubble happy selves. With me I was that person, deep down I was battling with my own demons and I couldn't see anyway out. I took a tumble for the worst over the Winter, suffering from seasonal affective disorder as well, it wasn't a walk in the park. It was the darkest days of my life. I hid it from everyone how I was feeling. I'd make excuses for staying in or why I couldn't leave my room, let alone my bed - I didn't feel well or I needed to blog, when really I was sitting watching endless TV or movie after movie on repeat. I can't tell you what I felt, I was numb.

Now, I look at myself today, as I type.

I may still suffer from anxiety and everything (trust me everything) can be a chore even just a trip to buy my lunch can take hours of pre planning and analysing if I will be OK and what the dangers are if I walk out of work - if you have anxiety you will get this. Everything and if not the most simplest things can drain you. However, I have seen such a huge change in me recently. I have made some huge life decisions, moved out back home, lost a boyfriend, bought a house, become manager of my work, gained the love of my life finally and all with their own mahooousive dramas along the way, I have come out still standing on my own two feet. I am not some crying mess that you have to peel off the floor (although I have had quite a few of those moments don't get me wrong) but right now, as I type I can say I am OK. 

I have kept my head and heart firmly in my own hands, I am stronger than I was last year, I have achieved and held down so much that it's hard to even comprehend how I am still standing but I am. I have to say and admit in this rather 'self-helpy' Sunday Love post that I am proud of myself. I have done so much and fought my demons in order to help others and even myself that I have almost self healed. I have no idea how it has happened but I have managed to control how I feel, get myself out of situations that could turn dramatically upside and out on top I am doing OK. There are always bad days and I will probably never be able to be 'normal' like I was before but the key to all of that is that I accept the way I am. I am lucky I am young, I have time on my hands and I can learn to deal with life's stresses and dramas. For now though I couldn't be any prouder of the young lady I see.

Hugs & Kisses
Becki xox




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3 comments

  1. I'm so happy to hear that you're doing so much better now. I'm so proud of you!

    As someone who also suffers from anxiety, I can totally relate to how troubling it is to function during day to day things. Having anxiety and learning to cope has turned me into a different person. It has taught me many lessons, some good and some not so good but it has also led to towards some incredible opportunities based on the decisions I have made to try and make my life a little better. I have recently met some incredible people who have really helped me become someone who doesn't have to be pulled behind by anxiety. I'm glad to say that I have become a much happier person and every day, I feel a little stronger.

    Hugs, Becki! We got this! :) xx

    Celina | The Celution | Bloglovin’

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  2. Oh Becki, I was nodding in agreement while reading this. I've developed anxiety in the last couple of months and it's such an awful thing. I find it particularly difficult to explain it to people who aren't sufferers, so it's good to hear from people who can relate and are coping admirably, like you. I'm so glad to see that you are doing so well now!

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  3. What a great post. And you should be very proud! Good luck!

    Danielle x
    boothysabode.blogspot.co.uk

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