September 02, 2014

BACK TO BLACK.

I have so much love for the late Amy Winehouse, her music has been part of my life ever since I first heard Frank back when I was in year 9. A little girl back then, it's not till now I have felt every word she has ever written for real that I have come to know that her music defines me. It defines moments and parts of my life like no other. It soothes, kills and fills my heart with love every time I listen to her voice. She doesn't just write love songs, she writes about real honest fucked up love. A love that I know too well. A love that isn't all roses and fluffy white clouds - a love that is all suffocating, so wrong its right, you drown in it and feel the deepest of feelings with the person of your dreams...a love that is hard to let go.

I am sitting here, alone, wishing I didn't feel the need to write this post but with Amy in the background, writing is the only thing I know and posting about beauty for me just doesn't fit today. So I have taken to a blank post, typed and pressed publish.

Today I am heartbroken. A girl who is heartbroken and feels like she has just lost the man who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

I don't know how to even put into words the feelings that are rushing all through my body. I feel numb, pain and heart ache like no other. Why do we do this to each other and why did this happen to me? I am trying to process what has happened over the last few months and certainly the pain of last night, the reality of life and being let down by the person closest to me. It has burnt me. Something that I had coming? Was I playing with fire?

I can't help in this situation to think about fucking Carrie Bradshaw and Mr Big. I mean Carrie was beaten around by a guy who clearly can't commit, they fall in and out of each others lives and even through the heart break and how wrong their relationship is for 10 years, their love conquers all in the end. We are all routing for them to be together. He even leaves her at the alter but when they see each other they run to each other "it's not logic it's love". So is that what love is, because all I want to do is run into his arms and never let go. I have only just got him into my life, I have hardly had time to breathe or for us to just be.

I think what hurts me the most, is this man he is my man, my kinda man. Someone who knows me inside out, someone that gets me, we have passion, fun, we fight, play and love. He makes me happy in our own fucked up way and without him in my life, even if right now we won't work, I can't cancel out the dream of walking down the isle to him one day. I am blessed to have felt the love I feel for this man. With everything that has happened, I can't lie to myself, I still don't want it to be the end of us. Maybe its the beginning but for now every hour of the day, I am trying to keep myself off the floor but standing tall. My head is all over the place and I have never felt so alone.


No matter how many people give me advice, I'm going to do what my heart tells me to do and like Carrie, maybe this is real love that I can't let go of. Life has taught me very earlier that it is too short to be wasted and spent feeling heartbreak.

I wanted to say that I am so overwhelmed by the support from you my readers-my friends, during this tough time. I know you don't judge me, you are just there for me no matter what and from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Lets hope I can dream away the sadness tonight...

Hugs & Kisses
Becki xox



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4 comments

  1. Definitely do what your heart tells you to do. If it's to cry non stop for hours and hours, then that's your body telling you it's what it needs! Or if you want to distract yourself and keep busy! Heartbreak is completely different for each person.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    Libby
    www.lifeoflibby.co.uk
    xxx

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  2. Hope things work out for you and you feel better soon xxx

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  3. Hope everything works out for you, and things will get better with time.

    Annabel ♥
    Mascara & Maltesers

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  4. Just stumbled across this. I love Amy's music... can't say I've ever particularly been heartbroken, but something made me want to comment on this post because I just wanted to say that I hope everything's worked out for you. Carrie and Mr Big are perfect, but they're just a story. I hope your real life story is just as good as theirs. Lots of love x

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