October 05, 2014

SUNDAY LOVE. #38. LOOKING BACK BUT NOT GOING BACK.

Summer is over, hot days in the sun have left us and the long nights are drawing to a close. It's now that in my head, I start to panic. If you are a new reader, I have forever battled with anxiety. Anxiety has become an illness that is now spoken about openly but you have to remember that each case is different and each of us unlucky ladies or gents have our own struggles and triggers. 

One of my biggest fears right now is slipping back into the darkness and falling back to where I was this time last year. The Winter months may all be about snuggling by the fire and drinking hot chocolate but for me, its a dangerous time. Its the breading ground for my anxiety to thrive. I can hear myself now, coming up with all the excuses not to leave the comfort of my own room. I know I can better myself from last year but sometimes it seems easier just to fall back into old ways. Tired, stressed and most of all, unhappy with life, last year I found myself crying all the time, my boyfriend and I completely lost contact, I just wanted to be alone and no one could help me. I stopped eating and the thoughts in my head over took my world.

If you have ever suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder then you will understand that in the winter, life somehow seems tougher. This is what I suffered from last year along side my anxiety and emetophobia. Yep I am a problem child, I know that now hehe! Whilst the rest of the country is getting excited by Christmas and spending time with family,  I just wanted to hide away into a hole, avoid all human contact because of the norovirus, stay inside my own head and not let anyone in. It's a scary place to be and trust me I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through it alone or at all!

I hope I am not the only one who feels like this with AW14 coming our way but I can't help it. I didn't want to put a downer on my blog as I know I have made huge progress but I'm terrified it will disappear, I'll end up hiding away from the world and life will just pass me by. Now I have so much more to live for, I am petrified that I'll start forgetting about others and they will see the Becki they know and love drift away. I hated who I was and how I let myself get in such a bad place. I completely lost myself. But as messed up as it sounds, I was quite happy being alone, I felt secure in the life I had built (or lack of life) I knew nothing could hurt me. Unknown at that time, I was the one hurting myself.

The early signs of depression are scary and it's hard to except that things can get that bad so quickly. I never thought I'd be that girl but it happens. Forget about sunlight, whether that is why I got so down I will never know, I just know that I can't let this winter get the better of me. It was such a tough time but now I have this new lease of life, I have to embrace the winter. Do all of those silly Christmas things that I love to hate and try and have fun. I want to smile, feel loved and love others around me. Maybe I'll just have to have Pharrell William's Happy on at all times hehe! Fingers crossed to a happy, positive and fun AW14!

Please don't feel alone, I am always here to talk and hopefully you will be here for me.

Hugs & Kisses
A positive minded Becki xox




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1 comment

  1. You just put my thoughts on to a page! It's always nice, and even helpful to know you're not alone in your feelings. But you're right - we should aim to make this a happy positive and fun AW14! I'll be keeping those particular words of yours in my mind these next few months. :)
    Rebecca
    (www.thetwotwentysomethings.blogspot.co.uk)
    Xx

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