March 01, 2015

SUNDAY LOVE. #49. A TICKET FOR ONE.

The first of March and the first of many new things to come.


I've just got in from my first evening at the cinema alone and all I could think about on the walk home was writing about it. It was a big deal to me and something I am actually bloody proud of. Some may be thinking what the hell is this post going to be about, how sad and lonely I am...it's actually the complete opposite. 

When you have anxiety like I do, the simplest things are a nightmare and no one but you can understand or even know to what extent that anxiety controls what you do. Since opening up about anxiety on LLP and even just to family and friends, I was completely on the up, I felt empowered, full of life and most importantly happy. I was finding my inner strength, moving forward and even with those dodgy days, I had never felt more myself.

I am not sure where that went.

The past six months or so, I feel like I've completely withdrawn inwards. Although this may not be the Becki, my friends and family know right now, I know I have lost myself again. I can feel it. 

For me it's toughest, not to admit it to others but to admit it to myself. 

I am floating and I can't find the ground. 

One of the biggest problems, I've become reliant on other people making me feel happy. I depend on people in my life too much and I punish them when I am not happy, as if it's their responsibility. Well its not, its mine. For a girl who has lost too many people in her life to even begin to try and count on my hands, life is too short and I've come free of the denial. I need to take hold of life again and stand strong.

Back to the cinema date to myself. Now this is never something I have done before. I guess I think cinema is for sharing, especially awkward first date nights hehe. Tonight, I was sitting on the tube after a day out by myself walking around aimlessly in Central London and I thought come on Becki, seize the day, who the hell have you become to just go home and sit on the sofa feeling sorry for yourself. I need to start loving myself. So I checked film times, jumped off the tube, grabbed some popcorn and went to buy my ticket. Looking back I have no idea where this strength came from.

My little anxiety ticks were still with me. I knew i couldn't engage too much with people (yes I'm a total freak!). I wasn't feeling brave enough to go to the ticket counters so thank goodness for technology, i didn't even have to see a face hehe. I had a whole row to myself with enough space to stretch out and relax (haha to all you swished in couples behind me, I know who's comfier!)

Writing now, I cant believe I just went and did that. I feel so free and actually happy even if it doesn't feel like it all the time, I am comfortable with my own company. I am strong and when I put my mind to it, I can grow to become the person I want to be.

Who knows if this will last but pushing myself to do things I am terrified of, makes me feel alive. If you are feeling at all like this, I know its hard to talk about it but know that you are not alone and you will be OK. Push yourself slowly. Think about yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself and create the life you want to live.


"You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine...It's always been inside of you, 
And now it's time to let it through" Oh yes you know the rest...

Hugs & Kisses
Becki xox


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4 comments

  1. I love that you did this! How cool are you? Seriously, I think it's really great that you took hold of your anxiety and said 'You don't win tonight' and went out anyway. You're such an inspiration to me Becki, I really missed your posts while you were away and it's great to see you back. I totally relate to the 'I feel so free and happy even if it doesn't feel like it all the time, I am comfortable with my own company.' and '... pushing myself to do things I am terrified of, makes me feel alive.' You make me realise I can cope with my own anxiety too and not be afraid to be myself, by myself.
    What a great Sunday Love post :)
    Rebecca | The Two Twenty Somethings
    Xx

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  2. Hehe thank you fellow Rebecca! Keep brave and strong. Know those bad days will always be there but they don't have to rule your life. Be gentle with yourself as your doing the best you can.
    Thank you for being here for me & enjoying LLP xx

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  3. I absolutely love this post! Although I don't know you personally, reading this made me so happy and proud of you. I'm trying to do more things that scare me this year as well.

    Libby
    www.lifeoflibby.co.uk
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Libby. It's so overwhelming to feel so supported by people I don't even know, If only virtual hugs really did exist xx

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