June 28, 2015

SUNDAY LOVE. #60. LOSING MY GRIP.

Over the last month or so, I haven't been all there. I can't share everything with you, as somethings just need to stay private but its not been the easiest of months.

I've lost that little part of me again. The fear and anxiety is back.

Not feeling all myself is so difficult now. Before, I could just hide away and no one would really make a fuss over it, they might just say 'oh Becki isn't feeling well' or 'she's exhausted', now its 21 questions. If I look down or a little tired, people notice and ever since a year or so ago with my anxiety lock in, I am even more vulnerable of an attack of the 'are you OK?' 


I am not one to talk massively about how I feel. I had to a year ago, as I was destroying myself but even to get to that stage of telling people what was really going on, it took courage. Today I feel I am falling back into the same place. No energy. I'd make up every excuse under the sun to stay in my bed, keep away from friends and especially family, as they would know straight away that something was up.

I have no idea why this has been sprung upon me but I think i have been using that good old 'brave face' and tried to keep smiling. Smiling however can be exhausting. Lying about how you really feel can be exhausting. Life has become exhausting.

Right this moment, I will probably be strolling in from my weekend away with Mr LLP at our first wedding together* and I am praying that I feel happy. Not 'brave face' happy but true happiness.

I do have so much to strive for, now I am an auntie (ahhhhhh shit!!) and really I have nothing to complain about but sometimes it just doesn't feel enough. I don't feel I am doing enough. It's just difficult being me. I am so lucky however to have LLP, a place where I can share my thoughts, even if no body reads it, I can get it off my chest and feel at peace. 

Hugs & Kisses
Becki xox

*PS. Had to schedule this one as I am away in goodness knows where dancing to some cheesy music in my new princess dress at my first wedding as a 'adult' guest hehe!


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1 comment

  1. I think anxiety is only something we can control, not fix. So don't be too hard on yourself for having bad days/weeks/months. I think as long as you keep writing things down you will survive, more than survive. You will be OK. I love reading your Sunday Love posts, so well done on another great one, it has made me feel supported to know I'm not alone in knowing I have everything to live for but still feeling low. Thank you.
    Rebecca.| The Two Twenty Somethings
    Xx

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