October 19, 2016

MID WEEK NATTER. TRYING TO SHED SOME LIGHT ON MY BATTLE WITH ANXIETY.


I think everyone on my social media and certainly in my life has heard me moan and moan and moan even more about how sick I have been over the last few weeks and yes unfortunately I have been pretty blooming ill, which is always fun!

What no one really knows is that part of my anxiety is massively to do with my emetophobia. I won't go into now as it's even terrifying for me to write it down but you only have to google to know what it's all about. The problem with having part of my anxiety somewhat linked to being ill, means that alot of the time it's very difficult to know what my real symptoms actually are and what is anxiety, as either way I am usually an anxious mess. Getting ill is so distressing for me that I tend to just wish I wasn't here than rather deal with it.

It all got rather awful three weeks ago when I got a sore throat one night and from that moment my symptoms rapidly developed into a cough, cold, flu god you name it I had it, with then the next two weeks pretty much being bed bound. On the night I first got ill, I was so anxious about being sick I actually had my first panic attack, which was unbearable. It was so bad I was thinking, I'd rather just die now than deal with this, dark thoughts that sometimes appear now and again and is scary to admit. From that night I couldn't dare leave my house let alone my sofa. I was in my own closed off world and I felt safe there. 

During the second week of still being ill, I was meant to be going on an amazing trip to the forest with my family and even Capers, to get away and relax after the crazy summer we had at work but as you can imagine, I was terrified to leave the comfort of my home. I knew I had to go, even if it was just for my family. I was a mess, I wasn't myself and I was constantly in a state of panic. In the end I did go with my family for the five days but being stuck in the villa in bed every single day too sick and paniced to leave, was not quite the holiday I had imagined. 

As soon as I got back, I knew this had to be more than just a cold so got onto the phone to my doctor who diagnosed me with pneumonia after just a few symptoms! For a girl with a fear of the doctors too, you know I felt rough to even pick up the phone. I am so grateful my doctors do over the phone call backs as I don't think I could have made it into the waiting room. With pneumonia ringing in my head, all I could think about was I can't go to hospital so I had no choice but to make myself better.

Just being at home, resting and finally getting some sleep after being on antibiotics with a few little beauty must haves, last week I managed to get back to work and slowly feel more myself. For me one of the weirdest symptoms I had experienced over the two weeks with my anxiety/ illness, was the fear of sleeping, which I have never experienced before. I was so scared of sleeping in case I was sick in the night that I would fall asleep for a few minutes and just wake myself up, obviously the horrific coughing didn't help either. By the end of the two weeks I felt crazy, I hadn't eaten and I was wasting away so much you could fully see my ribs and I hurt everywhere.

I am completely aware I need help for my anxiety, as the deep rooted emetophobia effects almost every decision I have ever made and I can't stress that enough. We are talking, it's so bad sometimes that I have to really think through everything decision I make, sometimes I have a fear of taking Oscar out in case I am sick or I can't get in a car in case I am sick or I can't eat in a restaurant in case I am sick...honestly my mind and thoughts are exhausting and only someone who has experienced this train of exhausting thoughts can understand as I am sure it sound ridiculous to anyone reading this.

After reading Zoella's amazing post last week about her update with her anxiety, she explained and wrote everything so well that my first thought was I need to get my shit in order as I can't keep living with this. It terrifies me that I have no idea how I can even think to start to plan my life if I am still like this in ten years time. How would I ever be able to have children or travel the world if I have so many fears, anxieties and freak outs about such simple things every single day. 

I have sadly thought it for years now, especially as I get older but it always hurts to say it out loud. When Zoe wrote about how anxiety has wasted years of her life, I too feel like I have wasted years away, missing my youth and all those free living years of finding out who you are all because of fear. Time is disappearing, I'm turning 27 next year and I am starting to wake up to the fact that I just can't live like this anymore. I have messed up so many opportunities, I have lost so many friends, relationships and lost half of my life really to this way of thinking that I might as well not be here if I carry on. I am sick of myself and sick of living through anxious tinted glasses!

My anxiety and phobia are ruining my life. Stopping me from just being.

I think what I wanted to say with this post and I am sorry if I have rambled on but I wanted to say that it is never OK to assume you know what anxiety is or judge people for saying they suffer with it, as for everyone, it is different and there are so many individual reasons why people suffer from it, as I hear the word being thrown around everywhere, it's easy to put everyone under the same blanket.

For me I still can't really understand mine. I can however finally identify that it's not normal for me to think and feel the way I do. All through my life to have felt like this and not known why must have been so confusing for myself and the people around me. They used to just say 'oh it's just becki' or 'it's just becki having a funny turn'. Sounds bad now we know about anxiety but back then, I did think it was just me. 

Now I can be grateful that I am not alone and that it's not me. I know I have a long way to go before I can let go of some of these issues in my life. I do need to be brave and ask for help, which is what I have decided to do, as living is worth everything when you can have those rare moments when anxiety or exhausting thoughts aren't there...you feel like a different person, euphoric is the only word that can describe it. I miss those moments and I want to experience more of them every day.

Be strong.
Hugs & Kisses
Becki xox



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2 comments

  1. You have no idea how very proud of you I am right now missy! First step taken and admitted there is a problem and it sounds as though you have made a decision to get help which is just amazing and no easy task and if I could, right now I would hug you and tell you myself, but until you feel up to meeting again, you'll have to settle with an virtual hug xx

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    1. Thank you so much you know how much that means to me. So much love for you rachel xxx

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