November 09, 2016


It's no secret, I take alot of blogging breaks. I always like to share where I have been as usually it always links back to my mental health battles and my personal journey to recover. These posts are usually pretty selfish, as for me they feel like my own online diary, a personal collection of entries that show me how far I have come.

Two weeks ago, I had one of the worst weekends of my life. Sounds dramatic to you but for me, I honestly wanted to just die. As I have mentioned before, I suffer with anxiety, a very recent addition- panic attacks and emetaphobia. The fear within me takes another life of it's own and I have realised that it is destroying my life. On that weekend, I went to work like usual and when I got back home, I started shutting off, freaking out, something didn't feel right inside me. Unknown to me at that time, I had contracted food poisoning. Being sick is something that obsesses in my head almost 247, every single day. It's not normal, I now know that. On that weekend...I was sick.

It's like I was having an outer body experience, I wasn't me in any shape or form. I had put myself in some sort of meditative state to just somehow deal with every minute, second, moment. When I look back I do feel incredibly brave for having to face my fears and my other half is still shocked how well I dealt with it after all the years of pure panic if it was to ever happen to me.

Two weeks on and I feel like a different person. I have opened up about my ever so obvious phobia now, especially to my other half and family. I feel like I can fight this phobia even if it kills me. I know I need help with it and that I can't keep doing this to myself. As really I only have me, my head and myself to blame for allowing this to escalate into this numbing issue.

Don't get me wrong, the whole week after I felt paralysed. Scared to even walk to work or eat an apple. I have let what happened go and it is time to move on...

Since then, I made it my mission to make this end ton 2016 count for something. Go and see the art exhibitions that I've been reading about all year, go out by myself shopping to bag that Kenzo x HM collection, breathe in the air, snuggle at home with the dogs and really just be true to myself. Give myself the happiness I deserve and stop hiding behind a fake smile. It might take a while but I am here, alive and I will be ok!

I hope your having a wonderful week. Don't forget to look up and admire the ever changing leaves on the trees, as they will be gone soon and you'll miss their beauty.

Hugs & Kisses
Becki xox


1 comment

  1. Breaks are so important to have!

    xo, Liz


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